


Decay of Agony

by Zena_Rose



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Blood, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/F, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warning!!!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:42:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28007151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zena_Rose/pseuds/Zena_Rose
Summary: It all starts with Lucy and her demons. Her past that she tries to heartedly to escape. It all comes back to eat away at her. And it was the last straw when after the incident of Phantom Lord. She starts to lean toward to self-harming, and possibly suicide. Lucy denies the help of people that calls themselves friends. She pushes everyone away, not understanding the word 'nakama' and 'family'. Lucy believes she is alone and that everyone pities her.Rated M for mentions of self harming and suicide.
Relationships: Cana Alberona/Mirajane Strauss, Lucy Heartfilia & Erza Scarlet, Lucy Heartfilia/Erza Scarlet
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Decay of Agony

**Author's Note:**

> This story will have several trigger warnings for self harm and suicide
> 
> [This chapter has a warning of self harm]

Blood was the only thing Lucy knew at the time. Blood was the only thing she saw. Blood was the only thing she could feel. Blood was the cause of it all, and it was the only thing that she wanted. And the countless hits and shouts that never seemed to end, and the insults only became harsher each day.

Lucy will never forget them, will never forget the things that was spoken, will never forget how it had felt, no matter how much she wanted to forget them. It was engraved in her mind, in her memories. No matter how much she wanted to move on, it haunted her day and night, even in her sleep.

Escape. That was the one thing that she wanted, the only thing that she could think. To escape and to never look back. To escape and hope for the best. To escape and hope that it will never haunt her.

When she finally had enough courage to run, she ran. She ran without a second thought. With the scars that littered her body, with the scars that left Lucy emotionally traumatized, she doubted she could ever heal. Suicide had often popped up in her mind, but she never had the courage...maybe because of the pain? Blood? Or was it the thought of not living?

Soon, she was taken in by a guild called Fairy Tail. Lucy was skeptical and unsure. Sure, they treated her like family, like friends, like a human for once. But she had this uncertainty swirling inside of her, the unspoken fear, the doubts, and she always showed a fake smile to try and bury it all. But it still hurts.

Day by day, missions by missions, Lucy learned to smile, albeit a small timid one, where it wasn’t forced. At times, she felt vulnerable and uncertain about what she was doing. But she felt safe, nonetheless.

Lucy learned how rowdy and loud Fairy Tail was. She considered it good luck to have kept her scars a secret so far that was left by her so-called father. The last thing she wanted was anyone to be troubled by the scars she carried. She didn’t want anyone else to intrude in on her life problems. She felt like a charity case with the scars she had and didn’t want to be treated as such.

She had met a few nice people, learned of their pasts and their...obstacles. But that's the thing. They had never, not even once, asked Lucy about her own past. So that was nice, that they knew to not push their boundaries.

There's Erza, a former slave of an R-system incident. Which was soon resolved when Lucy, Gray, Natsu, and Happy, with an addition of Juvia decided to help and resolve Erza's case.

Gray, he had lost his parents to a devil named Deliora when he was little. He was taken in by his master named Ur that had taught him magic. She was soon killed by sacrificing herself to seal the demon.

Natsu...well, he was raised by a dragon, and suddenly disappeared on him. That's pretty much all Lucy knows about him. But he always smiles while searching for him. Lucy felt a pang of enviousness, that Natsu still trusted a parent that had disappeared on him...he never gave up, and he still love his 'father'.

Lucy doubted any of that compared to what she had gone through. And she didn't want to find out. Some things are better left unsaid and unnoticed.

Then came the Phantom incident. She didn’t want to believe that all of this destruction was because of her. And to make it worse, it was her father that had hired Phantom. And they were to bring her back for ‘business applications’ as they put it.

Lucy didn’t believe it, not even once. She knew what her father wanted from her. But she had convinced her friends, the guild, that her father wanted her for something political, like a marriage arrangement or something.

Ever since that phantom incident, and the fact that her father had came after her again, everything that she buried came rushing back at her. The things that she tried to forget; it came crashing down on her. The blood, the screams, the disappointment, everything. That’s when she began the thought of suicide. It was a dam that she wanted to release, and she struggled with the pressure of her past.

Everyday, she woke up with the thoughts of nightmares, thinking that she was back in that dark cold room, hoping that her father wouldn’t visit her with a stick or a belt. She wished she didn’t have these reoccurring memories, she wished she didn’t have the thoughts of suicide. She just wished to be a normal girl with a normal mind, that could smile for real with her friends. But lately, Lucy questioned the definition of friend, what is a friend?

Incrementally and progressively, Lucy would recover after a good distraction from a stressful mission because of a certain dragonslayer. But she always found herself be thrown back to square one by uncertainties, fears, and doubts. She felt so depressed. She hated it so much that she was desperate for some sort of release. She needed something to distract her of the pain. And the only thing that came to mind was a sharp edge of a knife.

The day was Tuesday, and it was usually the day where her team preferred to laze around and enjoy peace. Lucy thought it was luck that her apartment was empty of those intruding mages. Doesn’t look like they’ll be breaking in any time soon. Must be a miracle.

Lucy double checked her doors and windows and made sure that they were all locked before she sauntered to her bathroom and locked it behind her.

She stood still, staring at herself in the mirror in extreme silence, and held the small kitchen knife that she grabbed from the kitchen. In utter isolation, Lucy took a deep breath and looked down at the blade. Where to cut? Her arms were out of the question as it would attract too much suspicion. Stomach? Idea seemed possible. But also carried a slight risk during battle. Hmm, her inner thigh…? A perfect place.

Lucy pushed her shorts off and sat on the toilet. She took a deep breath and brough the knife to the skin to her inner thigh and glided against her skin. Another deep breath, she quickly pierced the skin and was rewarded with a pang of pain and felt blood trickle down her thigh.

It should’ve hurt. But it didn’t. In fact, she liked it, it felt right. It made her feel whole. And she wanted more. She needed more. So, she made couple more cuts near the first one before she decided it was enough, so she won’t arouse any suspicion.

She sat for several minutes to let the blood dry and for the cuts to stop bleeding before she cleaned it all up and slapped couple of bandages on it. And put her shorts back on, content with it all.

All seemed well, and Lucy wanted to do this more often. The pain felt right. And the thought of cutting whenever hopelessness consumed the celestial mage? A relief that can be only done by the edge of a knife.

…

Days later, or weeks later, Lucy lost track of time on how long it’s been since the first time she was met with the sharp edge. Her inner thigh was layered with short, shallow cuts, and she looked paler than she should normally look.

A brand-new day, Lucy got dressed as she usually does, with her keys strapped belt. As pale as she looked, Lucy never felt better, and she was on her merry way to the guild that she grown fond of. Just showing up at the guild at least once a day, no matter how long one stays, no one will get suspicious if she leaves right after she shows up. That’s how lively the guild is, and she loved it.

She walked into the guild and put on the smile that never felt real. A counterfeit smile to hide the growing resentment that she felt. But she did a great job at hiding herself as she approached the bar where Mira was cleaning the countertops and ordered a chocolate milkshake.

Lucy sat at the table, waiting as Mira took her order and started preparing the shake before the blonde felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned her head to see that the rest of her team stood behind her, expectance written on their face.

"Yes?"

"We have a job. Want to go?" Natsu grinned as he held a flyer for Lucy to see.

Lucy grabbed the flyer and read its contents. The job seemed compelling, but she couldn’t do the job, even if she wanted to. She wouldn’t admit it, but she felt weak to even summon a golden spirit. She’ll just be a burden if she goes with them. Plus, she has enough money for couple of months thanks to an annoying dragon slayer who pestered her constantly her on going with him.

"I'll past. You can go without me." Lucy said with an apologetic smile and handed the flyer back to Natsu.

The three mages plus a blue cat stared at her, thinking that she was joking around.

"What?" Lucy felt guilty for declining it now.

She wasn’t.

Natsu pouted and walked away, slumped. "And I wanted to go on a job with you." He muttered and sat in a nearby table and rested his head on the surface. Happy landed on his head and laid on his back.

"Maybe next time." Gray said, stripping his clothes, walking to where Natsu was.

Erza stood still as her two teammates scattered and focused on her one teammate. Lucy had just turned back to find that her milkshake was ready to be slurped. The older girl contemplated on what she should do, and she decided to just walk up to the blonde and see if she was okay or not.

"Are you okay?"

Lucy turned to see Erza behind her, concern in her eyes. "Yeah. I'm fine, just tired. Natsu has been taking me on so many jobs. Plus, I have enough money for couple of months. So, I wanted to relax."

Erza nodded as if she understood. "Are you okay?" She repeated. She knows what lies are. And she knew Lucy was lying.

Lucy blinked, then sighed. "I just told you. I'm tired."

"Lately, you been really pale." Erza observed.

Lucy almost forgot to breathe at being discovered. She had hoped that no one would even notice the complexion of her skin. Erza is more observant that she realized.

"I just been a little under the weather." Lucy lied.

Erza continued to stare at Lucy. "I know that isn't true. Why are you pale?"

Lucy sighed and turned away, opting to pay attention to her milkshake, remaining unvocal for several seconds. "I just haven't had enough of an appetite." Lucy somewhat lied, there was a little bit of a truth in that statement.

Erza seemed to take the bait. "All right. Just be sure to eat some more."

The younger girl nodded and smile at older girl. "Thanks. I'll be sure to do that."

Erza smiled back before she walked away. The celestial mage took a deep breath of relief as she watched the S-Mage walk away. If she noticed her pale skin, then the others did too. She needed to address it immediately to avoid additional attention.

She quickly finished her milkshake and paid for it before she opted to go back to her apartment. She felt herself to be in the mood of writing some fics. Or maybe a quick nap.

As she walked back to her apartment, she was thinking of different things that she could do once she get back to her apartment. She even failed to notice a suspicious man wrapped in a cloak that followed her. And she didn’t even notice that the man approached her closer and closer until he spoke up, gaining the attention of the blonde.

"Lucy."

Lucy immediately paused, frozen in place as realization set upon her. The voice was too painfully familiar. She slowly turned around to see a man in a cloak.

And she hoped that it wasn’t who she thought it would be, so she spoke. "Who are you?"

The man responded by removing his hood, revealing Lucy’s worst fear. She paled as she took a step back, hoping that she was just dreaming, like how most of her dreams are, and that this wasn’t reality. But Lucy knew better. She knew this wasn’t a dream, and she knew that her father is actually standing before her.

“Why are you here?" Lucy croaked as she took another step back.

"I want to see you."

"What made you think I want to see you?" Lucy asked with hatred in her voice.

Her father looked down as if he actually felt guilty. "I apologize for everything."

"If you think I'll forgive you for what you had done, then you can just dig a damn hole and die. I don't want anything from you." Lucy was refraining herself from yelling. She didn't want to make a scene or attract attention. That was the last thing she wanted.

"Lucy...please don't be like that..."

“No, you don’t get to be like this. You don’t get to ask for anything.” Lucy scowled, tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. But she held it in as she took a step back, as far away from this monster as she could.

“Lucy, I just wanted to apologize.”

Lucy gritted her teeth as she glared at the man. "I don't want an apology from a murderer and an abuser. I don't want anything from you. You're not my father!" She yelled before she turned and ran away before the man could say anything else.

Bits and pieces of her past came rushing back. Blood. Screams. Desperation. Anger. Sadness. Hatred. Frustration. Loss. Freedom. Everything came back. She relived it all, and it was not pretty. And she hated it. She hated it all. Her so called father can just die and never come back. He does not deserve a daughter's love, no he deserves nothing. The nerve of him going to Lucy as if nothing happened. Lucy never been so angry in her life after she had escaped.

Lucy found herself back in her room, alone. Silent and isolated. She collapsed on her bed and shoved her face into her pillow and let the dam broke. The silence in her room only allowed her to let the remnants of her past haunt her, and more and more tears came down.

**Author's Note:**

> I was pretty depressed af when I wrote this. 
> 
> I have 19 chapters published already on other sites, but I'm going to do a rewrite. Rewrites are fun no?


End file.
